Remember NERF?



I used to own at least 3 of those guns at any given time. I loved shooting those balls and I loved getting smacked in the face with them (get your mind out of the gutter). Then they switched to the darts. It was cooler because the ammo was a lot more aerodynamic -- even as a sociopath six year old, I knew when I needed to step my game up by begging my father to get me foam torpedoes so I can more accurately shoot down the other neighbourhood kids from my prime sniper hideout.

Anyway, like any 21 year old, I went to my local Toys R Us to pick up what I hoped would be a Super Soaker on sale. I've had my hopes for one of these monstrosities:



To be honest, I don't even know how this thing works. I actually think this product is illegal in 4 provinces, 2 territories, and all of the continental US. The 21 year old me wishes the six year old me was able to travel in time to get one of these to blast her friends to pressurized water hell and back. Or maybe the 21 year old me wishes she could go back to personally duke it out with the rest of the kids who filled their reservoirs with piss and grape pop. Over two feet long and one foot high, able to hold over 3000 mL of water (or urine). 3000 mother fucking mL. That's like 3 fucken litres. That's how much water a person should drink in a day. But no, this thing gives us the ability to shoot it out at a rate of 300mL/sec. That means that in 10 seconds, you would have emptied this thing out on the next door neighbour's cat from 30 feet away. Can you imagine the sheer power of this thing when you have your captives on their knees and you're about to soak them execution style in the back of the head (I told you I was a sociopath child)? But nooo I had to go all Don Corleone with one of these fuckers:


(The gun, not the black guy -- which was not included with my purchase.)

I digress. After I purchased my water gun that has the ability to go head to head with Cinder from Killer Instinct (But not Glacius, I'd need a flamethrower for him -- another blog for another day) I decided to take a stroll through the Military Recruitment aisle -- AKA "Outdoor Play".


Umm, Cinder ... I really hope that burn you gave me wasn't the clap.

I stumbled upon the NERF section and decided that in these dire times in finance, it would be smart to invest in another NERF piece for my collection. Let me tell you something folks. Kids today aren't content with pumping their water guns 73 fucken times to get the water to shoot 6 feet. Nor are they happy with shooting their 3 NERF darts/balls and then maneuvering about like the cast of Saving Private Ryan to retrieve them in order to reload.

No friends -- today's kids are lazy ("gifted"), spoiled ("deserving") and probably fat (thyroid problem) that we only get one good thing from their uselessness:


Maybe we can shoot today's kids with this to motivate them to not be useless.

And yes, I did shell out the $49.99 for this bad boy.